Q. My ex argues about everything. It’s gotten so bad that if I even say, “Good morning!” she accuses me of having an ulterior motive. “That was fake,” she’ll say. I don’t know what to do. This goes on in front of the children — at Little League games and exchanges. I think about her and I sweat. How can we problem-solve and properly co-parent our children if she won’t stop arguing? What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. There’s really only one difference between arguing with a loving partner and arguing with an ex — that’s the incentive to stop the arguing.

The incentive to stop arguing with a partner is that you stay together. You don’t break up. You can’t bear to hurt that person with angry words.

But, you have already broken up with your ex, and sometimes exchanging angry words is the only connection you have left — so what’s the incentive to stop arguing now?

Of course, the answer is your kids and how you model constructive problem-solving for them. But, if the word “connection” jumped out at you in the sentence above, there’s something more going on than just the argument.

For some, it’s difficult to let go, and the arguments that continue even after the breakup keep them engaged. They are so used to the adrenaline rush when dealing with each other that they sometimes manufacture disagreements.

It feels familiar. This cycle begins when the couple is still together and some just don’t know how to let it go after the breakup. Meanwhile, their kids are standing on the sidelines watching the drama unfold.

Studies show that ongoing conflict negatively affects our children in so many ways, from causing anxiety to interrupting their brain development. Arguing parents rarely consider what their arguing really does to their kids.

If you truly want to stop arguing, there must be a shift in mindset. What you think about prior to your discussion lays the groundwork for how effectively you solve problems together. If you are thinking that your ex has an ulterior motive, you will be skeptical of anything they say, and it will be obvious in your approach. Since every discussion you have with someone lays the groundwork for your next discussion with them, unless you make an effort to change your mindset prior to interaction, each conversation will be the same.

What is a simple problem-solving model you can use to break the argument cycle?

1. Present the problem

2. Come to the table with a solution

3. Negotiate

4. Compromise

Looking at those four steps, one might think, “What’s the big deal? How can following those four steps help us not to argue?” It won’t, if you want the arguing to continue. But if you want to stop, following those four steps will keep you on track.

This is what it looks like in real time:

“I can’t pick up Shaina at 4:00 this afternoon. Would you please pick her up?” (Solution is to ask for help)

“I can’t at 4:00, but I can at 3:00. Will that work?" (Negotiation) A response like this prevents the instant, “No!”

“That’s too early, I’m not off work, but I can at 3:30. That’s the best I can do." (Negotiation/Compromise)

“That works. Thank you.”

The key is the desire to end the arguing — and be open to compromise. That’s good ex-etiquette.

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