ArcaMax

Dear Eric: An old high school girlfriend of my husband's (more than 40 years) creates social media posts about him and tags him, including photos of him or of the two of them together. In my husband’s defense, he has always responded or reacted appropriately with only a short neutral comment or reaction.

On our shared desktop one day, I was signing him out of his email to sign into mine because he never signs out making this a normal routine. While I was doing this, I saw an unread email inviting him to connect with her on another business networking site. Although the email was not directly from her, it still put an instant pit in my stomach. He said he didn’t know why she asked to connect, but maybe she was thinking about changing jobs and added that he rarely used that site.

I truly do trust my husband, so ideally that should be that. We’ve been married for more than 30 years and have a good marriage. She is recently divorced but lives in another state so the only connection he has with her is through social media and old high school friends. I spoke with my husband about her latest post and explained how it bothers me, and I thought it may be best to ignore this latest one, but felt he should know I want to address it with her if she did it again. He was very understanding, agreed with me on ignoring it and also supported my writing to her.

So, I’ve been preparing a short note on how posting about another woman’s husband is inappropriate, but now am pondering what’s best:

1. Addressing it only from me

2. Addressing it only from my husband

3. Addressing it from both my husband and I

Additionally, should I wait to address it with her until she posts again, or address it right away? Or should I not address it at all? (I really don’t want to give her attention)

This has been going on for about eight years now so any advice would be greatly appreciated.

– Dealing with An Ex

Dear Dealing: The last option – not addressing it – is your best bet. If you don’t want to give her attention, don’t. Furthermore, drawing her into a debate about her actions is just going to add more stress to your life. If your husband isn’t comfortable with the continued attention (and, honestly, eight years of nostalgia posts is too much for even the most halcyon of times), then he should block her.

Dear Eric: A childhood friend, almost a brother really, cheated on his wife when we were in our late 40s. Our two families were very close, and my wife became his wife’s main emotional support person during a very painful divorce. He was a jerk during the whole incident, and it broke up our friendship.

Now, years later, he has sent me a friend request on Facebook. My wife has no interest in contact with him, and though she says it’s my choice, I know she prefers I ignore it. But part of me is still mourning the loss of this old decades-long friendship, and I feel like I need to respond. I’m torn.

– Feeling Stuck

Dear Stuck: It sounds like your friend has some amends to make for the rift he caused in your friendship. And perhaps this request is a first step toward that. It also sounds like you’re not quite done with this relationship either. We aren’t only our worst moments or even our worst periods in life. So, your friend may have changed or grown. It makes sense that your wife doesn’t want any more to do with him, but I don’t see the harm in you responding to see where he stands. I hope you’re pleasantly surprised.

Dear Eric: In response to “Concerned Mom”, whose son has been using drugs for two years, and who stated that Al-Anon groups are "hard core," I suggest she keep looking for Al-Anon groups that fit her needs.

I have been a member for 20 years, and in Al-Anon we do not give advice or tell people what to do. We share our experience, strength and hope. There should be nothing "hard core" about Al-Anon. It is a gentle program, and we all recover at our own speed. Online meetings are available 24/7 around the world. Also, if she is not comfortable with meetings, she may benefit greatly from reading the literature available at al-anon.org.

– Hope This Helps

Dear Hope: I, too, hope that the letter writer is able to find an Al-Anon or SMART Recovery Family meeting that speaks to her when she’s ready to take that step. They’re a great benefit to so many. Thanks for writing.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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